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How is it that this alienation happens (of course not only in Jewish congregations)? My experience and reading suggests that it's sometimes about the absence of welcoming itself. The URJ, aware of this issue, has put together a set of exercises for congregations having difficulty with this. It begins with something as simple as making sure that a newcomer is greeted, introduced around, made to feel at home, and invited to come again. Being a welcoming congregation also requires understanding why some people have become alienated from synagogue life.
Sometimes the estrangement has to do with acrimony over life cycle rituals. Many will remember the story of William Cohen from Maine who was Secretary of Defense in the Clinton administration. Cohen, whose mother had been Catholic, had a conversion ceremony at the time of his Brit Milah, grew up as a Jew, attended Hebrew School from the age of six, and wore a "chai" around his neck. Shortly before his Bar Mitzvah, the rabbi told Cohen his earlier conversion "wasn't enough," and indicated that an additional drop of blood would have to be extracted from a private part. The boy went to his father, who told him he didn't have to do it. Cohen then tore off his "chai," threw it into the Penobscot River, and never wanted to have anything to do with Judaism again.
Frequently the estrangement has to do with rituals surrounding the deaths of loved ones. You may recall the story of two Jewish siblings who had become closely bonded after living through pogroms in Russia as children. Many decades later, the sister died while traveling abroad and was cremated. The family held on to the ashes; then when the brother died, the family asked that a small portion of the sister's ashes, properly contained, be buried in the grave with her brother so "they could be together again." The congregation's Board refused. The family left that congregation.
Of course Jewish congregations, like all organizations, need to have rules. We always hope these rules will be as "user friendly" as possible but, when a problem arises, it's the responsibility of those of us in the congregation to bend over backwards to be sympathetic, to examine the issue carefully, and to search for an accommodation that will leave behind only winners.
I like to think that we at BAJC do that pretty well. I see among us members who had sworn, after earlier negative experiences, that they'd never join a Jewish congregation again. These persons have been drawn to us not only because of our national social justice award or our national adult education award or our extraordinary literacy or our creative and moving Torah services or our heavenly musical harmonies, but also because we have made them feel so welcome. Yasher koach.
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