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I often ask myself what might happen if we were truly able to turn down the noise in our lives and genuinely hear one another and, equally important, hear the whispering voices of our better selves, the voices within encouraging us to embrace our most generous and sympathetic selves. This is the stuff that changes lives and it is the essence of our High Holidays. So let me complement Marty’s column with a short family story about listening.
A couple brought their 13-year-old daughter to a wise rabbi asking for help in dealing with her behavior. They listed her problems: rebelliousness, poor grades, disobedience, bad attitude and more. “Will you talk to her,” they pleaded. The rabbi agreed and spoke with the 13-year-old, asking many questions. Gradually she opened up and out poured her bitterness and resentment about never being heard by her parents.
When the parents returned, the rabbi expressed optimism but insisted on one condition. “For the next 30 days, your daughter can say anything she wants to say in any way she wants to say it. You can only listen to her. You can’t answer or respond in any way until those 30 days are up.” The father swallowed hard. He insisted it was impossible--that he couldn’t agree to such a thing in his house, but he protested to no avail. Desperate, the parents finally agreed.
A month later the rabbi was visited by father, mother and daughter. What a totally different set of people they were—happy, smiling, standing close to one another.
The father explained. “I listened and then listened some more. At first it was all I could do to restrain myself. I’d had it with her and wanted to ground her indefinitely for the things she was saying, but I held my tongue and I listened. Slowly I began to realize that some of the things she was saying were right and that I needed to hear them. After three weeks, my daughter decided she had said everything she had wanted to say. She walked in and sat down on the edge of our bed one evening and said to me ‘I’m all finished for now. What do you want to say to me?’ My wife and I reached out our arms and she came to us. We hugged her and told her how much we loved her. I told her the ways in which I had been wrong. And I learned what gifts may be possible when we listen with our ears and our hearts.”
B'shalom,
Jim
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